BEFORE HE TOOK HIS last breath, Ludwig van Beethoven said, “Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.” Sir Winston Churchill, before falling into a coma murmured, “I’m bored with it all.” And facing his assassin Mario Teran, a Bolivian soldier, Ernesto “Che” Guevara uttered, “I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.” Locally, how could showbiz people forget the suicide note of ‘80s bold star Stella Strada? Her final words? “This is a crazy planets!”

As a post-Halloween post, here’s an updated version of my 2007 and 2008 article titled…

Top 20 Last Words and Deathbed Statements of Local Political Figures and Celebrities

No. 20: Boy Abunda: “Now na!”

No. 19: Madam Auring: “Nakikita ko, nararamdaman ko, hahaba pa ang aking buhay.” (Then, she dies.)

No. 18: DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno: “I’m fed up with life!”

No. 17: Annabelle Rama: “Dung, malakas ang kutob ku dung, nilason ako ni Wilma Galvanti dung!”

No. 16: Kris Aquino: “Hay naku Boy, sabi mo sabay tayo? Nag-promise ka kay Mom, remember? Gosh, kainis ka!”

No. 15: Conrado De Quiros: “30.”

No. 14: Sen. Manny Villar: “60.”

No. 13: Sen. Mar Roxas: “Ramdam ko na… ramdam ko na!” (Gasps for air) ‘Tang-i*aaaa! Puwede bang mag-give way na lang ako?”

No. 12: Korina Sanchez: “Ikaw ang minimithi ng aking puso. Ikaw ang napili kong maging kasama at katabi sa buhay. Ipinapangako ko sa ‘yo na ako ay sa ‘yo. Noon, ngayon at bukas, ako’y iyung-iyo… Lord.”

No. 11: Manny Pacquiao: “You know, I am die and I am ready kaya gusto kong ‘pasalamat sa ating mga kababayan at sa Panginoon sa walang sawang pagsupurta sa akin.”

No. 10: Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “Mr. President and distinguished colleagues, before I die, allow me to unmask the real Joseph Ejercito Estrada.”

No. 9: Sen. Lito Lapid: “Puwede bang mamatay na lang? Wala akong inihandang speech eh.”

No. 8: President Arroyo: “God, wala na ba talagang extension?”

No. 7: Sen. Loren Legarda: “I have already made a decision. I am definitely dying with or without a mate by my deathbed.”

No. 6: Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro: [See ‘President Arroyo’]

No. 5: Mayor Jejomar Binay: “Sa Makati, libre ang ospital. Sa Makati, libre ang burol. Sa Makati, libre ang libing. Wala akong gagastusin kapag namatay ako sa Makati. Sana, ganito rin sa inyo kapag kayo ang namatay.”

No. 4: Joseph Estrada: “Sinong maysabing hindi ako pwedeng mamatay? Let the people decide! Vox Ernie, Vox Dei. The voice of Manong Maceda is the voice of God.”

No. 3: Sen. Noynoy Aquino: “Hinihiling ko po sa inyo na kung maaari lamang sana ay bigyan n’yo ako ng ilang araw upang makapag-isip at kumunsulta sa Pink Sisters kung dapat na ba akong pumanaw o hindi pa.”

No. 2: Cong. Mikey Arroyo: “O, eto huh! Baka magtaka na naman ang mga investigative reporters at si Tita Winnie Monsod kapag tumaas ang aking net worth sa ipa-file kong Statement of Assets and Liabilities (SALN) next year. Ngayon pa lang sinasabi ko na sa inyo: hindi ill-gotten ‘yan. Galing ‘yan sa magiging abuloy at donasyon kapag namatay ako.”

And the No. 1 deathbed statement of a political figure or celebrity…

Sen. Francis Escudero: “Nais kong ipabatid sa inyong lahat na nagpasya na akong talikuran ang aking pagiging Romano Katoliko dahil naniniwala ako na sinumang nilikha na malapit nang makipagkita sa Panginoong Maykapal ay hindi dapat miyembro o kaanib ng anumang relihiyon, sekta, o kulto upang malaya siyang makapagpasya na siya lang – walang busal sa bibig at walang nagdidikta, alang-alang na rin sa ikakapanatag ng kanyang damdamin at ikaliligtas ng kanyang kaluluwa.”

*From: Professional Heckler's blog

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever

experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mail man dead on the porch.

Matag buntag mag-eksersays ang mga madre libot sa ilang compound. Ang paagi sa ilang pag-eksersays mao ang pagbisikleta. Apan kay lagi mga madre, ginadili alang kanila ang pagsaba.

Usa ka adlaw, nag-eksersays na sab ang mga madre kuyog ang ilang superyora. Nagbisikleta silang tanan. Pag-agi nila sa usa ka gamay'ng hump sa dalan, naniyagit ang mga madre, "Aaaaayyyyy!!!" ug nang-agik-ik. Napungot ang ilang madre superyora kay ginadili alang sa mga madre ang pagsaba-saba. Mibadlong siya, "Mga sisters, palihug ayaw kamo pagsaba kay makawala kana sa dignidad sa atong pagkamadre!" Ug nanghilom ang mga madre.

Nagpadayon sila'g tindak sa ilang mga bisikleta. Sa unahan, nakaagi na sab sila'g hump. Ang maong hump mas dako-dako kay sa ilang naagian ganina. Pag-agi nila sa hump naniyagit na sab ang mga madre, "Aaaaayyyy!!!" ug nang-agik-ik. Gipaningot silang tanan. Napungot na sab ang ilang madre superyora ug mibadlong, "Mga sisters, palihug intawon ayaw kamo pagsiyagit-siyagit kay mga madre kita! Abi pa lang unya mga mahilayon kitang mga madre!" Ug nanghilom ang mga madre.

Padayon gihapon ang mga madre sa ilang pag-eksersays. Pag-abot sa unahan, diha'y dako gyud kaayo nga hump. Nakabantay ang madre superyora sa dako nga hump ug nahadlok nga basin maniyagit na sab ang iyang mga kaubang madre.

Busa, mibadlong siya daan sa iyang mga kauban, "Mga sisters, adunay dako kaayong hump sa unahan. Kon inig agi nato nianang hump maniyagit pa gani mo, ako na gyud na'ng pabutangan og lingkoranan ang inyong mga bisikleta."

Original source: Unknown, this is from a friendster bulletin posted by a friend.

Technorati Tags: eksersays sa mga madre, hump, bisikleta, madre

UNSA KUNO?

ANG IPASABOT SIGURO NIYA KATONG LAKI GYUD NGA TINUOD DILI BAYOT NO?

NA MAO! MAGPALIT NA LANG DIAY TA ANI UG GINAMIT NA!

KAHADLOKAN NGA CHEESE

NAGPASABOT LANG GYUD NGA HIGH TECH KAAYO ANG JAPAN, PATI TUBIG I-CONSTRUCT PA!

DILI SIGURO PWEDE MAG LUKSO-LUKSO SULOD SA ELEVATOR IYA GIPASABOT?

UY APIL TA ANI NGA PARTY KAY SIGE LANG TAG PA UT*&@..... AW ERECT DIAY....

WOW! SULOD TA DIRI KAY DAGHAN SUSO HEHEHE

ANG GA-ASO2X NGA BISITA DINHI SA GAWAS NGA GA-ASO2X NGA SECTION NGA DILI PWEDE ..... AY AMBOT!

UY! TSADA DIRI! MUSOLOD TA KAY KUNG UWAGAN DIAY TA, SILAY BAHALA SA ATO...

NA PERMI DIAY MAHAL ANG PRESYO DIRI, SA LAIN NA LANG KO MUPALIT

LAHI DIAY ILANG MGA MAGAZINE DIDTO NO? PORMA MAN UG BOTELYA.

NANGLUPAD NA ANG ISPIRITU!

SUS! GRABE GYUD KA HIGH TECH PATI ANG PAG AMPO IPAAGI NA UG MP3!

DILI KO MO-APPLY ANI NGA KUMPANYA, DAGHAN MANG HARRASS!

Technorati Tags: funny japanese posters, japlish, japanese english

New Presidential Candidate... It's someone we know!

There's an effort to elect an unknown random person as President... and it's someone we know! Watch this online video about the surprising new nominee:

Click here to watch the video

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,her Father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff,sniff....Dad. ....I became a prostitute.. ."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For my little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...... (takes a
breath)..... .. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."



Technorati Tags: the irish prostitute, prostitue joke

Ang mga mosunod, mga record sa korte sa U.S. Gapaila lang gyud ning uban ba nga mga...di na lang ko mag tell, basta basaha na lang ninyo kay para nako makalingaw kaayo

---

• Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
• Witness: "I only have one, you know."

---

• Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
• Witness: "By death."
• Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

---

• Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

---

• Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
• Witness: "July 15th."
• Lawyer: "What year?"
• Witness: "Every year."

---

• Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
• Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
• Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
• Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
• Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
• Witness: "'Winchester'!"

---

• Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
• Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

---

• Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
• Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
• Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
• Witness: "Er...his face."

---

• Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
• Witness: "I forget."
• Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

---

• Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
• Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
• Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
• Witness: "Forty-five years."

---

• Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
• Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
• Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
• Witness: "My name is Susan."

---

• Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
• Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

---

• Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
• Witness: "After the accident?"
• Lawyer: "Before the accident."
• Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

---

• Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
• Witness: "Yes, sir."
• Lawyer: "What did she say?"
• Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

---

• Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
• Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
• Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
• Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

---

• Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

---

• Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
• Officer: "Yes, I do."
• Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
• Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

---

• Lawyer: "What happened then?"
• Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
• Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
• Witness: "No."

---

• Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
• Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

---

• Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

---

• Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

---

• Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

---

• Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

---

• Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

---

• Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
• Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

---

• Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
• Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
• Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

---

• Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
• Witness: "That's me."
• Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

---

• Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

---

• Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
• Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
• Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

---

• Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
• Witness: "Four times."

---

• Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

---

• Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
• Witness: "None."
• Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

---

• Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

---

• Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
• Witness: "Yes."
• Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

---

• Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
• Witness: "Not yet."

---

• Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

---

• Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
• Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
• Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

---

• Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
• Witness: "Borofkin."
• Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
• Witness: "I can't remember."
• Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
• Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

---

• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
• Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
• Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
• Witness: "No."

---

• Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
• Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

---

• Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
• Witness: "Fair."

---

• Lawyer: "Are you married?"
• Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
• Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
• Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

---

• Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
• Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

---

• Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
• Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

---

• Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
• Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

---

• Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
• Witness: "Yes sir."
• Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

---

• Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
• Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

---

• The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

---

• Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
• Witness: "No."
• Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
• Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
• Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
• Witness: "Attached to the ears."

---

• Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
• Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

---

• Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
• Witness: "Oral."
• Lawyer: "How old are you?"
• Witness: "Oral."

---

• Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
• Witness: "She is my daughter."
• Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

---

• Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

---

• Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

---

• Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
• Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
• Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

---

• Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
• Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

---

• Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
• Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
• Lawyer: "It was covered?"
• Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
• Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
• Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

---

• Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
• Witness: "I could see his head."
• Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
• Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

---

• Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
• Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

---

• Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
• Witness: "The victim lived."

---

• Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
• Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

---

• Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
• Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

Technorati Tags: courtroom jokes, funny courtroom reports, courtroom reports, stupid lawyer, stupid witness, funny stories, jokes

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Guys, correct or not? I agree, that's why men love women. Without women, we won't be here, this world won't be as beautiful as today. We need women to tell our stories to, someone to listen to us, to take care of men and babies, to be partners, a shoulder to cry on, to clean the house, someone to laugh with and share life with.

I know more and more women are working at top corporations and household chores are not their thing anymore. But still, we love them.

LALAKI: Babae, babae, babae paano na lang kung wala ka? Sino maglalaba ng brief ko, maglinis ng bahay, magluluto, mag bu-budget, mag aalaga sa mga anak, mag papa-study ng anak, maghahatid-sundo nga mga bata sa paaralan, sino mag aayos ng bahay, sino mag mamasahe sa akin sa gabi? Paano na lang ang gabi...

Hindi katulong ang tinutokoy ko ha?

Bisag ingon ana ang nang mga babae pre, dapat sila mahalon, palangga-on, dili himoong "punching bag". Mao na nga lahi gyud ang babae ug lalaki kay walay nada ning kalibotana kung ang tanan pareho na lang. Unsaun nato pagdaghan. Way pulos. Komplikado gyud ang babae mao na ilang kinaiya, bisag balihon, balintongon, tuwaron, tualihon bisag matomboy man, babae gihapon na.

Tinood, gastos gyud ang babae kay mahinunongdanon gud sila nga binuhat. Pero dili pasabot na tanan babae dagway ug kwarta ha? Kinsa guy di gusto ug kwarta? Beh?

Kung dili sad magpa-gwapa ang mga babae ug dili magpasexy, ug dili magpahumot, ganahan kaha kag dulog niya? Aber???

Salute to all women!

Technorati Tags: women as explained by engineers, engineers explanation of women, women are complicated, women facts, women nature, ang babae, babae

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Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m.

sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p..m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Technorati Tags: poker joke, the poker player, nailad, jokes

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated,the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

*

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." ithout missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

*

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

*

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

*

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

*

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would
run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

*

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples"



Technorati Tags: dont mess with a child, children, child jokes, reasons not to mess with a child, funny children, jokes

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Host: What "N" (narra) is the national

tree of the Philippines?
Contestant: Niyog?
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice)

NIYOG!!!


Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si

Jose Rizal?
Contestant: Sa back?
Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula

ay letter "L" (Luneta).

Contestant: Likod?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali,

"R.P." ang initials ng modern name nito

(Rizal Park).

Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa

rin yun!)


Host: Saan"B"(beach)tayo madalas pumunta

pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hindi,pag pumunta ka doon,maaarawan

ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong

mga babaeng naka-bikini.
Contestant: Beerhouse!


Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag

sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay

nalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan

ng sabon ang pangalan ng ito.
Contestant : Safe guard?
Host: Hindi,! pagsama hin mo yung dalawang

sagot mo.

Contestant : Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang

kaniyang katawan.
Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!


Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit

na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi

ka malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?


Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national

flower of the Philippines?
Contestant: Sunflower?
Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stor k?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin.It ends with a letter "A".
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues

at dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan ng

bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos

sa letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat

na singer?
Contestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!


Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess

Grandmaster(Eugene Torre) of Asia?
Contestant: Carole KING?
Host: Hindi, mas mababa sa king.
Contestant: Al QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA

Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas maba! ba sa reyna.
Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?
Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?
Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant: Jerry PONS?
Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat

ng piyesa sa Chess. Yung kahuli-hulihang

piyesa na lang.
Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!


Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture

sa 500 Peso bill? Clue:may initials na N.A.

(Ninoy Aquino)
Contestant: Nora Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end

sa "Y".
Contestant: Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant: ANO?? PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???


Host: What "K" (kalabaw) is the national

animal of the Philippines?
Contestant: Kuto?
Host: Hinde, clue: It tills the land.
Contestant: Kutong Lupa! (Bweset!)


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